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Full Armor of God

(scene: three chairs side-by-side or couch facing audience, end table with phone, candy dish, TV remote control)

EVIL -- (from offstage, knock, knock, knock)

WIFE -- (enters opposite hurriedly, crossing) I'll get it. Are you expecting anybody?

HUBBY -- (from offstage) No. I'm not.

WIFE -- I wonder who it could be at this time of night. (reaches for imaginary door knob)

EVIL -- (a bag lady, street urchin, or gang member, enters before Wife reaches door) It's not polite to keep your guests waiting. (looks around with delight, crosses to couch)

WIFE -- (puzzled) Excuse me. Have we met?

EVIL -- Hey, nice digs you got here, lady. I think I'm going to like it here. (sits, picks up remote control, turns on imaginary TV at audience rear)

WIFE -- (approaches cautiously) Excuse me. I think you may have the wrong house.

EVIL -- (changing channels often) Oh, I got the right house, alright. You've got cable TV with the premium channels.

WIFE -- What I'm trying to say is, I don't think you're supposed to be here.

EVIL -- What channel is H.B.O.?

WIFE -- Did you hear me? I said I don't think you're supposed to be here.

EVIL -- There it is. Oooo! Tonight's feature is a slasher movie! I love slasher movies! Lots of blood and gore!

WIFE -- (backs toward Hubby) Honey, can you come out here for a minute?

HUBBY -- (enters carrying light bulb, reading its label) Honey, do you know if we have any other light bulbs? I need a hundred and all we have is sixties. (looks up) Who's this?

WIFE -- I don't know. She just came in uninvited and sat down.

HUBBY -- Excuse me. Who are you?

EVIL -- (picks up candy dish, picks through candies, eats one) M&M's! My favorite! I love the red ones. (eats another candy) Did you say something?

HUBBY -- Yes. I asked you who you are.

EVIL -- Oh, my name is Evil. (eats another candy) You know, there are not very many red ones.

HUBBY -- What do you think you're doing here?

EVIL -- Well, I think I'm sitting here watching this delightful slasher movie and eating your M&M's. (digging in dish) Well, it looks like I'm not the only one in this house who likes the red ones. You got any more M&M's? (stands crosses to far exit)

HUBBY -- Where do you think you're going?

EVIL -- I think the kitchen is this way. There are more M&M's, aren't there? (exits)

WIFE -- Yes.

HUBBY -- No.

HUBBY -- (follows Evil slowly) Don't tell her there's more M&M's. We want to get rid of her, remember?

WIFE -- (follows) I'm sorry. I didn't want to lie.

HUBBY -- Who does she think she is just waltzing in here and eating our candy?!

EVIL -- (reenters, carrying another dish of candy, singing) I found some! (crosses by others)

HUBBY -- (follows) Who do you think you are?

EVIL -- (sits, picking through candy, eating occasionally, watching TV) I thought we covered that. My name is Evil.

WIFE -- I thought she said her name was Evil. Is that really your name?

EVIL -- Yes.

HUBBY -- I don't care what her name is. She's leaving. (stand between Evil and TV) You're leaving, now!

EVIL -- I'm sorry, you'll have to move. I can't see the movie. (pats couch) Here, have a seat.

WIFE -- (sits) Thank you.

HUBBY -- Don't thank her! This is our house!

WIFE -- (stands) I'm sorry. She's got me so confused. Make her leave.

HUBBY -- Listen, if you're not out of this house in 10 seconds, I'm calling the police.

EVIL -- Oh, I wouldn't do that.

HUBBY -- Oh, no? Well, just watch me. (picks up phone)

EVIL -- I'm warning you, you'll be embarrassed when they get here. (to wife) Listen, I'm getting kind of thirsty. You wouldn't just happen to have any Coke or Pepsi in the frig, would you?

WIFE -- (turns to exit) Oh, sure.

HUBBY -- What are you doing? Where are you going?

WIFE -- (turns) She wants a Coke.

HUBBY -- How am I going to get her out of here if you keep stuffing her face?

WIFE -- Oh. I'm sorry. I'm so confused.

HUBBY -- (dials phone) This is ridiculous, I'm calling the cops.

EVIL -- I have that effect on people. You know, you really ought to sit and watch. These two teenagers are about to get their heads....

HUBBY -- (to phone) ...Hello, I'd like to report an intruder. Yes, I'll hold.

EVIL -- (to wife) See, when the police get here they won't see an intruder.

WIFE -- Why not?

EVIL -- I'm invisible.

WIFE -- Excuse me?

EVIL -- "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."

WIFE -- That's from the Bible, isn't it?

EVIL -- Bingo.

HUBBY -- What's taking these guys so long? Where is a cop when you want one?

WIFE -- So, what you're saying is that you're invisible.

EVIL -- I believe I just said that.

WIFE -- And if the police come, they won't be able to see you.

EVIL -- You're a little slow on the uptake, but you've about summarized the situation.

WIFE -- So, you're Evil.

EVIL -- (to Hubby) Is she always this dense?

HUBBY -- (to phone) Yes, it's about time! I'd like to... report a... a ah... Listen, I'll call you back if I have to... yeah. (hangs up, to evil) So, you're Evil.

EVIL -- Is there an echo in here?

HUBBY -- Why did you choose US?

EVIL -- Because YOU fell asleep during the sermon on the armor of God.

HUBBY -- The armor of God?! Soldiers haven't worn armor for centuries. Armor doesn't apply to us today.

EVIL -- You're both dense. You make a good couple.

HUBBY -- Alright, tell us about the armor of God.

EVIL -- Yeah, right! Like I'm going to tell you how to get rid of me.

HUBBY -- Honey, where's our Bible?

WIFE -- I don't know. We put it away somewhere.

EVIL -- Now you know why I chose this house.

WIFE -- Oh, I remember now! The Word of God is one of the pieces of armor!

HUBBY -- Well, the Word of God is the Bible and we've got a Bible. That means we've got some of the armor of God.

EVIL -- Well, la de da.

WIFE -- The point of the armor of God is that we have to keep it ready for battle. The Bible doesn't do us any good locked up in a cabinet somewhere.

HUBBY -- Well, at least we've got a Bible. Why don't you pick on people without a Bible?

EVIL -- What would be the point? My job is to make Christians ineffective at doing God's work. People without Bibles are no threat to us.

WIFE -- (turns to exit) I think I'll go find the Bible and start reading it.

EVIL -- (gasps, coughs)

WIFE -- (turns) Are you alright? (pats Evil's back)

EVIL -- (wheezing) Maybe if you'd just get me a Coke or Pepsi from the frig.

HUBBY -- I know what she's trying to do. She's trying to divert our attention from finding and reading our Bible.

WIFE -- You know you really are a despicable person!

EVIL -- (digging through candy) You're half right. I am despicable. But I'm not a person. I'm just Evil.

HUBBY -- (exiting) Come on, honey, let's find that Bible and prepare our armor of God for battle.

EVIL -- (stands, digging through candy) In that case, I'll just let myself out. (exiting) You're all out of red M&M's anyway.

©2001 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement.
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