elementary and junior high school and even into my high school years. However, this was also the time that my Dad and my relationship went down hill. In fact, we didn’t have much of a relationship. I wouldn’t understand why this happened until I was in my early twenties. And, it had nothing to do with me.

I remember a lot of involvement with church and the Lord at this point. I loved our youth group and all of the fun things we did together. I was a big part of youth rallies and other activities that the church’s youth would do together. I loved church camp, that seemed to be a time where my Father and I had the best relationship.

I guess it started in Jr. High when I felt like everyone looked at me differently because I was the "preacher’s daughter." I had that feeling all the way through Jr. High and High School. No one ever said anything to me about it, no one ever teased me and no one ever made me feel like I had to act out because of it! But, in my head I thought they were all looking at me differently. In reality, they probably weren’t even thinking about me.

When I was in High School, about age 16, things went bad. I always had my moments and caused trouble here and there, but when I turned 16 I met some new girls from school. I had a "sweet 16" birthday party and invited them to come. It was a slumber party, so you know we were up most of the night. We walked to the local mini-mart store which was about a mile away. That is when they introduced me to my first cigarette. I don’t blame them, but I wasn’t making good choices in friends or behavior. But, I was "16" and wanted to ‘fit in.’ Looking back, I would say that this is when a lot of my bad behavior started. I was hanging out with these girls who hung out on the "stoner" corner and I started to smoke cigarettes with them. Smoking cigarettes led to alcohol and from the alcohol came marijuana. I was using my lunch money to buy these things and not eating. I started to ditch school, classes, and sometimes went to classes drunk or high.

My parents never caught on. I don’t know if they weren’t involved enough or if I just was good at hiding it. Often, I came home and went straight to bed so they wouldn’t talk to me or smell my breath.

My ‘great friends’ decided to run away. They planned it all out and almost had me convinced to go along. I thank the Lord that I had great parents who cared and I knew that running away wouldn’t get me anywhere. I didn’t go, but they did and it was a big mess. I was questioned and everyone wanted me to tell them what I knew. I didn’t know what to do. They called me a few times and told me they were prostituting themselves for money, food, somewhere to stay and refused to come home. I have no idea, to this day, where they are or if they are even alive. I know they never came home after running away.

Of course, I moved on and met another friend to hang out with all the time. We became best friends and did everything together until I met Chris. Chris didn’t go to our school. He was a drop-out from a high school in the next town. He came by our High School and "cruised" every day. That is where I met him and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. By this time, I was ditching school more and more, until eventually I was kicked out and had to go to a home schooling course. Six weeks before I was to graduate, I got in a huge fight with my Mom about Chris and ran away from home.

I went from a loving, caring family - right into a family who I know loved each other but were totally different from anything I was ever used to. I moved in with Chris and his parents. His Dad was an alcoholic and his mother was an enabler. She helped her kids out of every mess they made and they made a lot! I remember the first time Chris’ Dad yelled at us for something stupid that we had done. He yelled so loud that I started to cry, I had never been around someone like that. Chris was a rebel. I guess that is what drew me to him. He introduced me to drugs other than marijuana. Because he was part Indian, he received some money from his tribe when he turned 18. We blew most of that money up our noses. We were kids gone mad, free to do anything we wanted and we did! We were out partying, never had a curfew and never a care in the world. Any time Chris needed money he would ask his Mom and she would give it to us.

Things were great until his parents got tired of me living there. They thought I was lazy, and I was! His mom did everything for Chris and so I just let her do it for me too. So, we came up with a bright idea with Chris’ friend, to move to Reno where his friend’s sister lived in a trailer with her husband and 2 kids. We lived there for about a week and then called Chris’ parents, crying, to get us a bus ticket to come home. They did and when we got back, I moved in with my brother and Chris went back to his parents. I only lasted about another week at my brother’s before he kicked me out and I went back to live with my parents.

Chris and I were still together - we were just having problems living in the same place. A few months before this Chris had gotten on his knees and proposed marriage to me. There was no ring, but we wanted to always be togther but knew that marriage, at this early age, was not a good idea. Well, a few weeks after being home, I remember being sick every morning. My Mom thought I should go to the doctor’s to get birth control - too late, I was already pregnant.

My Mom said that Chris had to come over and we both had to tell my Dad. Chris came and my Dad’s response was that we had to get married. Chris’ parents were totally against it, but 3 months later we were married. His parents said they accepted me into the family and I thought this was going to be the greatest thing ever, I was only 18.

My new Father-in-law told me that if Chris ever hit me or hurt me to let him know and he would take care of it. I thought that was crazy, but nice of him to say because I thought that he really cared about me. Six months later, we had a bouncing baby boy; 9 lbs. 4 ounces. I was so happy. I felt, up to this point, that Chris and I had a great relationship. I felt that he cared about me and having this baby would just make us a great family. Wrong!! The pressure became too much for him. He was a 19-year-old boy who wanted to be with his friends and wanted to continue to party. I was young too, not quite 19 yet and I wanted to do our thing. It was hard on both of us, we were living with my parents and Chris was working for my Dad.

Chris wasn’t into church and he didn’t want to change his life. One night we started to fight over something and he slapped me. I screamed for my parents and he ran out the back door. Needless to say, he wasn’t welcome back in my parent’s house. I, of course, forgave him because he apologized over and over and I thought that he loved me so much that it would never happen again. So for a few months, we lived in separate homes, he lived with his parents and I lived with mine.

Chris then got a job working for his sister’s husband; they owned a dairy so the job included a house. Our first home, I was excited. We lived close to his sister and she had a son that was just a few weeks older than our son. But it was just like one big party, they were into drugs and we got sucked up right into it. I was still trying to go to church but had to make excuses of being sick a lot so that my Mother would take our son and I could sleep off the ‘high’ or get ‘high’ again. It was a vicious cycle. And instead of Chris keeping his promise to never hit me again, things got worse.

He usually hit me when he was drunk or high, but that seemed to get more frequent. This basically happened for the rest of our marriage. Remember, his Dad had told me that if Chris ever hit me to let him know and he would take care of it.....Well, the first time I went to him, in the middle of the night after running through town to get away from Chris, his Dad looked at me, told me I probably deserved it and slammed the door in my face. So much for help from that sector.

We had another baby 2 years later, a baby girl. Chris came for the delivery and then left and I didn’t see him again for a few days. He was more into partying and having a good time then being with us and having a family.

Chris worked for the first few years and then he started losing jobs frequently and we were on welfare a lot. I had my first affair when my daughter was about a year old. I thought that if I had an affair that he would leave me. But, he forgave me and we tried to make it work. But things didn’t change and now things were worse because he threw the affair in my face all the time and would beat me up anytime he thought about it. I learned to never tell him anything like that again. Through our marriage I had several affairs, most of which he never knew about. I left him numerous times and always came back. I don’t know why I kept going back and staying with him.

He was into drugs really heavily towards the end or our 11 year marriage. He left me one summer towards the end, I don’t remember why this time but while he was gone, I was having affairs until one day he called me from a girl’s house. She was a young 21-year-old girl who had been a cheerleader in high school and supposedly really pretty. Later I found out she was really pretty! I had all of those affairs and thought he deserved all of it until the table was turned and it happened to me. It was the worst feeling in the world. I couldn’t believe what I had done. I blamed everything on me. He drank, he did drugs and he abused me, but I still felt it was my entire fault for not being a good wife. I begged him to come home, I told him I would change, I would do anything for him. I was working full time and I told him that whatever it took I would do it. He did move back home and for over a month I went through so much. Now I look back and wonder WHY I went through it and wonder HOW I survived it.

One day I was in the shower and snuck out to hear him on the phone with her telling her that he loved her and missed her and he wanted to come back to her. I cried and cried but he just told me how much he loved her. He went back to her, but he kept calling me at the same time. He wanted it all. I kept begging him to come home and eventually, he did.

I thought if I would drink with him and hang out at the bars with him, then he would love me more. The girlfriend was into drugs, just like he was, but I wouldn’t do drugs anymore. I had enough of that.

One day, while the kids were at church with my parents, he was getting drunk as usual and called the girl right in front of me. He told me that the only way he could get over her was to go to see her and tell her face-to-face that it was over. He said that when he left her, he just left and really never got to say goodbye. He asked if we could meet her in Sacramento, which was about half way between where we lived and she lived. He said he wanted me to come to be his support and so I would know that he was coming back with me. I agreed.

We had to sell some things to get money to go. I wrote my Mom a note saying I would be back to get the kids the next day and we were going to Sacramento to see this girl. Chris’ friend brought her up to Sacramento and we drove down to Sacramento to meet at a restaurant. When we arrived, Chris went inside and told me to stay outside so he could talk to the girl alone. I didn’t want to, but he made me. He sent his friend out to make sure I stayed out in the parking lot. We sat there for about 30 minutes until Chris and this girl came out and walked to our truck. I wanted to go kill her, but Chris told his friend to hold me back. He said they were going for a drive because it was too noisy in the restaurant. They both got in the truck and drove away, with my purse in the truck. The only thingI had was my cell phone.

His friend and I went into the restaurant and sat there waiting for them to come back. An hour passed, 2 hours passed and Chris’ friend had to go home - he had to work the next morning. He offered to take me with him so I wouldn’t be stuck there, but I was convinced Chris wouldn’t leave me there and I would wait. He gave me $20 and left. A few hours later, no sign of Chris, I started to call my family and friends to see if anyone would come and get me. First I called my parents and my Mom told me that I had made the decision and she wasn’t going to come rescue me. I called my brothers and they all told me they couldn’t. I called friends and no one was able to come get me. Finally, I called Chris’ parents to see if they would come get me and they weren’t home. I called his sister and told her what was happening and she finally gave me some hope. She heard Chris outside, she was living next door to his best friend. Chris and the girl had come by to say, hi! The way Chris said hi, was very loud and so his sister heard him while I was on the phone.

She told me to call back in about 20 minutes and she would go tell him to come get me. When I called back in 20 minutes she said that he didn’t believe her, he thought his friend would take me home and didn’t believe that his friend just left me there. She said that she couldn’t convince him and that he was being a real ‘jerk.’ She then told me to call this girl’s house because that is where they were headed. I called there and told him to come get me and he said no and hung up on me. I called back again begging him to come and get me, his friend had left me and that I only had $20 to my name and my cell phone was dying. He suggested I call my family and when I told him I already did and they wouldn’t come get me, he said too bad and hung up on me again. I called him one last time and finally convinced him to come get me and he said he would but he was bringing the girl, he would take me home and then leave again with her. I said fine, at that point I didn’t care.

I had been sitting in an all night restaurant lying on the seat crying for hours. The people didn’t know what to do to help me. It was so humiliating. Finally about 6 a.m. he came, the girl wasn’t with him. I was so beat down, I didn’t care. I just got in the truck, laid down and cried til I fell asleep. It took a few more weeks before he finally stopped calling her and going down there to see her. I begged him to stay and promised I would do anything for him, including giving him money to buy drugs and alcohol.

For the next year, I did give him everything he wanted; money, accompanied him to bars, took the blame for everything that came our way, lied to the cops for him several times, etc. Almost one year to the day, he went to his parents for Thanksgiving and I stayed with my family. I didn’t hear from him for a week. When he showed up, he packed his bags and moved in with another girl. That was the last straw, I did everything I thought I could possibly do and he still left me. I just knew there was nothing more I could do. In the 11 years that we were married he beat me down physically, mentally, and emotionally to the point it was really hard to pick myself back up. In the 11 years of marriage I was pushed, shoved, slapped, punched, thrown into a glass table, thrown into a shower, shoved up against the wall, held on the ground and tormented, choked, pushed into a car, jumped out of a moving vehicle, threatened, spat upon, pee’d on, called every name in the book, lied to, had cops at my door and in my home numerous times, cheated on, left, abandoned 2 ½ hours from my home with nothing, slept in the back of a truck, begged for food, had to be on welfare, thought about dying, thought about killing, hurt my kids, hurt my family, lost friends, felt psychotic, became an adulterer, lost my way with the Lord, lost self esteem and self worth, felt fat at 115 lbs, lived in home after home, had to have my parents pay bills, had utilities shut off and a truck repossessed. I hitch-hiked, got into fist fights with people I didn’t know at bars and social events, listened to my husband on the phone telling another woman how much he loved her and missed her, gave my husband money for drugs and alcohol so he wouldn’t leave me, stranded at home because he would take parts out of my car so I couldn’t leave, be forced to have sex so I could go to the grocery store, etc. etc.

I’m sure that I could go on and on, but out of the 11 years of marriage and all of the rotten things that happened to me, the thing that hurts the most is that in all of this I hurt my children by allowing them to see it and go through it. I look into their eyes today when we talk about the past and the hurt in their eyes kills me. I have the hardest time dealing with what I did to them. Why did I do this for 11 years?

At this point Chris was gone, but I was no longer a member of our church. My kids were still going but I wasn’t. I spun out of control. I was partying, drinking, smoking and everything I stood against when I was married to Chris. I became addicted to ‘chat’ on the internet. In-between work and going out on the weekends, I was chatting in ‘chat’ rooms. I had no time for my family or my kids. Thank God my parents picked up where I was lacking for the kids. I was a horrible mother and daughter, very self-centered and on a path of self-destruction. Somewhere inside, I felt that if I slowed down I would think of Chris and go back to him - that is the last thing I wanted. I had been there, done that!

I knew in my heart that a man who would go to church with me and love my kids as much as I loved them would be the only thing that would make me happy. I thought that was a ‘fairy tale’ and would never happen. I was picking all the wrong men and some of them were becoming stalkers. I would have to hide with my children in my room and not answer my phone because these men wouldn’t leave me alone. It was a scary time. Eventually, I stopped going out very much and just stayed home - online!

I would never suggest to anyone to chat online and meet men online. However, by the grace of God, I was the luckiest woman alive when I met the man I am now married to, online. He was having his own problems and just happened to be online one New Year’s day when we connected. We talked very briefly, but this sparked enough interest to continue to talk for another 5 months. He then finally decided to come meet me. He drove from Southern California to Northern California and we hit it off right away. I was in a desperate situation at the time, I didn’t know where I was going. I was tired of all the men with all of the broken promises. I knew that moving to Southern California would be a big step, taking my kids away from my parents and their home. I knew that I would have to find a job and support myself and just date this man to see how it went. I knew that a long distance relationship wouldn’t work. I got a job transfer within a month and found a nice little house and moved there the following month after meeting him. Sound crazy?? I know it was, it was just the drastic measure I needed to take to come out of the tail spin I was in. God knew exactly what He was doing. I’m not going to say that it was an easy ride, it was very hard. But this man was and is the most loving and understanding, caring and fun-loving man that God could have ever put me with .